How To Be a Responsible Smoker

Easy. First of all of anything, smoke American Spirits. If you’ve been smoking the past decade as I have, you’ve tried the rainbow spectral Camels and Marlboros, the 99s and the 72s and of course the 27s. Kamel with a ‘K,’ Camel Crush with a poppable listerine ball in the filter. Reds, Blues, Turkish Silvers, Golds, Lights and Super Lights. It’s all highly toxic commercial shit that raises the nicotine content within each cigarette a year. So American Spirits. No fancy names, just colors. And the colors coordinate to the quality and feel of each blend. Mellow Yellow. Light Blue, Cool You. Organic Teal, Fullness Feel. Dark Blue, Rich With It. And MMM Black, Perique Magnifique…the Fruity Shadow Cigarette (obviously my choice blend).

American Spirits. No brainer. American grown, organic option, no additives, they last so long you don’t need to smoke tarry paper back to back to back for the illusion of reduced stress. In that case, it’s simply misplaced.

Next, never drop your butts. Always trash them, stub them into an ash tray, put them out and in your pocket, in your shoe, whatever will keep you from flushing them into the gutters and the ocean. Definitely, you’d be a philistine-ass smoker to mark your cigarette spots.

Also, don’t be afraid to clean up dirty butts. In one of my hometowns Red Bank, New Jersey, I did lots of cocaine with a lovely smoker vegan, who would make a note to pick up ALLL the butts and throw them away, wherever we were. Chances were, being in the most densely populated state, there would be lots of butts, and lots of trash cans. Watching her as an emerging smoking 16 year-old was a great inspiration through my long-winded journey to Maine, where I can be seen cleaning up the contents of rednecks’ ashtrays at the beach. If you don’t take responsibility, who will?

Scooping up butts at Pemaquid Point, ME. Because we're outside in 10 degree weather anyway, and these ones haven't made it to the ocean yet. And though prepared with fingerless mits, I had no trash bag, and instead, dug an empty pack of baby-wipes out of my co-daddy's car. Aww.

 This takes a responsible smoker and elevates he or she into a vibrant smoker, as that good energy of not leeching plastic filters to stunt the small fish population per three gallons of water will infatuate that whole area with your loving care. People care in an area, it shows, it vibes, it loves, and people can only pick up on that communal love. We take care of our own butts, and we’ll take care of yours too. Sure we know smoking isn’t all that ethical, but we can generate our own ethics and engage in a more dignified generation of smokers. Which obviously correlates to not smoking indoors.

Cars, roll down the windows. And don’t flick a fucking one of them.

Otherwise, don’t be a fucking idiot. Know that you are exposing yourself to a carcinogenic addiction. You should probably live in a medical state where Rick Simpson Oil is offered  by way of free medicine (Canada, California, Colorado, Maine). Just in case you do get a tumor, you can rest assured there are healers on hand who can stop its growth.

Engage in cardio. You find me one muscley marathon motherfucker who smokes and has gotten lung cancer. I haven’t met any. Seems like swimmers and runners and bikers who smoke have it pretty well made. Exercising makes my heart feel a lot less tight when I want to have a cigarette with my morning coffee. So from experience, I can viscerally tell you, if you’re going to be hedonistic, you’ll do a lot damn better if you’re also an athlete.

In all due respect to nonsmokers, such as my seriously anti-cigarette boss, carry around essential oils so you don't stink like a half-charred ashtray. To avoid offending her with the smell of smoke, I spray my hands, neck and hair with rose hydrosol to deionize the smoke, and have a couple drops of tea tree oil to really kill anything dirty. It's considerate for those who choose not to poison their lungs. Bonus points for peppermint or spearmint oils for your tongue (I tend to dab on the back of my band and lick.) 

This blog post is not meant to encourage or discourage smoking. I am merely encouraging in those of us who do smoke, let’s be as peaceful as possible for our indulgences. And really, I’m a lot more peaceful when my nicotine cravings are not stressful. Noninvasive, responsible smoking allows that. 

Like I said, I’ve been doing this a decade. So now, I don’t put on a coat or grab a purse that doesn’t have a Black pack of Spirits in it, even if there are only three left. Just happened ten minutes ago when I put on my bathrobe, and I smiled and gave Past Me a hell of a hug for remembering Now Me. Cus you never know when you might be hitchhiking for two hours, or what you might be wearing. And if you’re stuck somewhere, at least you have that one cigarette. And so long as it’s an American Spirit and you don’t stain the planet with its filter, you’re gonna enjoy the fuck out of every drag.